Platitudes #1.

Today, I experienced for myself how passion is the greatest fuel. Once you have it, physical needs vanish.
Self-expression knows no shame, and true friends whom you should cherish are those who appreciate your authentic self.
I think one is only victorious when he falls out of love (infatuation, really) without being subjected to a relentless sense of antagonism directed towards himself, or the other party.
Lastly, one should always entrench his feet in reality.
As of this moment, I intuit shifts in attitude, that are for the better.

Vbec

IB.

6 years culminating to this one exam.

30 days 13 hours 53 minutes 23 seconds

Vbec

Oh Happy Day

Happy Birthday Guang! (:

Karoake, Arcade, Bowling, Art exhibition

Stop! Playing with my delirium.
Or rather, I should stop allowing my delirium to play me.

*

For once, the soles of my feet felt solid earth.
The Squall blew by, I lost gravity for a moment.
But then gravity found me again.
An indomitable semblance of resolve
Like a treasured mustard seed
has taken root.

Vbec

Enfant Terrible.

Ytd I was with Shiru at the airport to send Daryl off, and we had some time to catch up on each other’s lives. Amidst everything we discussed, there was, of course, the issue of faith. In the recent weeks, I’ve begun questioning the existence of agape. The very act of agape (selfless love) is exemplified in Christ’s death on the cross.. But if at the beginning, God had the foreknowledge that we were going to sin anyway, with the result being a multitude of souls condemned to hell, why did He still choose to create us?

Reflexively, I thought:
1. For His pleasure. We were made to worship Him.
2. So that He could demonstrate His Love (because, according to the Bible, He could’ve made stones praise Him as well, so He technically doesn’t need us)
3. He thinks that being alive and given the opportunity to bask in His Glory is better option than being non-existent. (weird theory though, cuz then He might have created a whole host of other aliens)

So, can the proposition of selflessness stand under these considerations? Perhaps, the arbiter of this universe deserves His perks.. and Self-interest may not be entirely divorced from His Being. If such is the case, the act of creation is by no means altruistic, but the task of redemption was. Afterall, we were the damned and He could’ve, you know, just pangseh-ed us or something. And such a faithfulness is evident in the Bible, whether in the old or new testament… which leads one to ponder, is God stubborn and masochistic? Or just crazy in love.

Enter. Saltatory right-brained reflections

On another note, my study outing with Gu Wei has led to my encounter with the book, the Narcissism Epidemic. It is very telling of the current times where, given easy access to the plenteous platforms for self-promotion, people have developed a compulsion to be seen and heard – to gain a mini-celebrity status of sorts. But fame is an addiction, a fatuous one that expends unnecessary energy. It reveals a psyche dearth of self-contentment, and seeking approval as a cheap, artifical substitute to fill the void. I’ve always probed at my motivations for owning a blog, or for wanting to score well, and made sure that they were rid of hidden agendas, before I act. Nevertheless, I do fall prey to these feelings, especially since I’m type 4w3. The enneagram completely unravelled me, and in the past few days, after reading extensively about type 4 growth patterns, I’ve been able to quell discontent by going to its roots, and by consciously moderating many automated reactions that are intrinsic to type 4s, such as envy, excessive dwelling in fantasy, and the tendency to mentally abandon the present. A quick departure of point, the enneagram is apparently, more complex than I thought. Gu wei and I found an enneagram book which explained its interrelationship with atomic orbitals, and all that stuff. So it’s cool. And I’ll end here with a quote by Chris Crocker.

Well, to his defence, wisdom is wisdom, no matter who articulates it. Plus, people should not be seen in absolutes, there is no good and bad. Presence of bad, does not preclude good in the individual:

“it’s not healthy… I’m talking about the people who are on a pure mission to become famous, for absolutely no reason. They are not conscious of why they want to become famous, they just know they like the feeling. And if only they would realize that they want people to know them, because they don’t know themselves. You want people to know who you are to feel a void… When I was my most famous, I was my most unhappiest… It becomes an addiction. You don’t know why you want it, but you just like the feeling… and now that I’ve come back down to earth and I don’t have as much fame, I realised, I have so many people in my life that tried to use me just to get attention… You can’t trust anyone… You can’t even trust yourself, because you’ll do anything to keep it. Like I said, if you wanna share a talent with the world, that is completely and utterly different. Expressing yourself is different from whoring yourself. So put something else in the void. Know yourself and quit wanting others to know you. Once you know yourself. You’ll be content with that. That is the real fame.” – Chris

Then again, many people are pretty apathetic about what others think about them, and such is the diversity of this world. But for the rest, I hope this hits close to home and give you something to think about. Adieu, generation fame.

gaga,
Vbec

Mandala.

I am beginning to observe a subtle modus operandi in my interpersonal conduct.. That is, I abandon, before I am abandoned. It is intrinsic to type 4s I suppose. 4s withdraw, rather than allow themselves to be vulnerable. I should change. The enneagram is awesome. Let me explain the fundamental ideas.

When you were a baby, you were whole and complete. Your consciousness doesn’t differentiate the outer reality from your inner reality, so that, as siddarthaesque as this sound, you are one with the world – in fact you feel that you’re in the centre of the universe. This psychic state is formed because the world supplies your need in the form of a caregiver that magically appears to placate you whenever you cry/wet yourself etc. So think of it as a romantic bond with a world that nourishes you unconditionally. Frustration enters the picture, however, when these needs are not met immediately, in the event where the caregiver is absent for a relatively long duration. Subsequently your ego (the thinking, feeling, experiencing “i”. Or simply, the centre of your personality) is created as a means to compensate for this deficiency in feeling loved. Self-consciousness arises, and is split into 9 types (as featured on the enneagram) and implanted into each individual. Depending on your intrinsic energy (genes) coupled with your caregiver’s personality, your ego becomes anchored on a particular type, known as your primary orientation. The ego is the infant’s strategy to regain the unity and wholeness that has been reduced to an unconscious memory. It is also a lens through which we structure reality. Each type of the ego differ in their basic desire, basic fear, sin, virtue, and holy idea. Another link (click on your type at the top and click riso and hudson “Understanding E-gram at the sidebar)

Basically, your ego is delusory. It is an entrapment that forces you to view your identity myopically, and prevents you from tapping into the strengths of the nine types that are innately available within you. Rather than asking an individual to assert his/her type, the enneagram teaches him/her to overcome the fixations and sins of each type through specific steps tailored for the 9 orientations.

read about it in detail here (scroll to “The Centers and the Paths of Transformation”)

As you forgo your shadow (which should not be mistaken as forsaking your individuality, instead, you lay the ground for the expansion of your identity), you integrate, or become actualized. This is achieved when you adopt the strengths of your integration points (for 4s, they integrate by becoming more principled like 1s). When this happens, you move upward along the nine health levels of each type (google it yourself). You can disintegrate as well (4s disintegrate to become like needy 2s). These relationships are directed by the arrows on the enneagram. Eventually, as a type 4 integrate from 4 to 1 to 7 to 5 to 8 to 2, your personality becomes fluid, and you have acheived the human potential by drawing on strengths of the other types to confront different situations. You’ll basically become the avatar. BUT, no one, in a single lifetime has ever undergone the full circle integration, and most are more than contented with having reached their immediate stage of integration that promises a healthier worldview.

There are more specific classifications involved such as your wing (which immediate neighbouring type influences your personality the most) as well as your universal instinctual subtype (self-preservation, social, or sexual). These mesh with your primary orientation to give more combinations. (52 in total i think)

I wanted to share this because it really helped me. And rather than stop at understanding yourself; informing your friends about your type and understanding your friends’ types can ultimately foster symbiotic relationships where each individual is able to help another to grow.. instead of exasperating one another. So friends, go unlock your chakras.

Best type descriptor I found so far
And here’s the Wings descriptor.

phew,
Vbec.

Enneagram

Jung is shifting the tectonics of my psyche, and the enneagram is simply sublime.. I await with bated breath for the revelations it has in store, as I read more and more about it.

34 days 13 hours 23 minutes 03 sec

Vbec

Horroar!

After prelims ended, I lingered with .12 people a bit before going to the library to borrow 2 dvds on eastern philosophy and cell biology. After I got home, I watched supernatural episode three where castiel and dean trapped archangel raphael and interrogate him about God’s whereabouts, the central theme of the episode being centered around missing father figures. Then I went with my cousin to bishan library, where I got carl jung’s writings on “psychology and the east” along with another book called “love sick” where I read about kamikaze sperms. lawl. Highlight of the day: we caught Phobia 2 (the follow-up to 4bia, which James said was really good). It’s composed of 5 short films sewn together into one. I found the first story really sad. Esp. the last moment when the character was crying for his parents’ forgiveness. Karma’s a bitch. The last one was there for comic relief, and boy did it help. Halfway through, me and my cousin were already counting down and considering adjourning from the cinema. The spirituality in thailand is pretty screwed up, and Thai directors really know how to play with your mind. Prior to this, I’ve already noticed a blossoming film industry in thailand, so I thought I should watch a thai horror movie, since it’s pretty much their signature genre. Luckily, I was able to sleep.

Do I believe in the supernatural? Yea I do. The thing that convinced me about it was a short story by san mao, in her book entitled 《撒哈拉的故事》which we had to read in sec 3. It details how san mao picked up a talisman unwittingly on the streets, and started having hallucinations of snakes and an excruciating stomach ache when she got home. While she was driving from the hospital, her car got spooked as well, and she almost died in a car accident. Eventually they got some guru to perform a ritual, and the guru revealed that she had come into contact with a hexed object. My memory about it is pretty vague now. The following video is a trailer for the movie “paranormal activity”.. coming soon. Its kinda blair-witchesque, but scarier… Do you believe in the supernatural?

关于

I kinda wrecked my biological clock ytd. After accompanying astro to kfc, we studied for awhile, then mugged a little at his place. All this while, I hadn’t had my lunch. So when I got home, I was so low on energy that I slept from 7 – 12. When I woke up, I thought: gg, I’m gna be tired during math paper. My maid was asleep so I cooked some instant ramen, which gave me a tummy ache this morning. Math was *bleep*.

I’ve got stuff to write about that’s been cooking in my head, particularly about this dream I had the day before ytd. So I’ll update soon. Countdown to end of prelims. I really don’t care how I do.. dno why.. results day doesn’t scare me, I can’t care less about what other’s think anymore.. I suppose when you lose fear, you need to find another form of motivation.

To top it off, my belief in the non-existence of a superior and inferior way of life, has infected me with a nonchalance about everything. But I know I want a certain lifestyle/job in the future, and I’m willing to work for it. For now I just want to get to a uni, to do something I like. period.I know i’ll get serious when prelim ends (cue: reader rolls eyes). I started a twitter account as a way of checking my own study progress, and the human confirmation code was: 45 revenge. Talk about foreshadowing, watch out guys, I’m making a comeback.

Supernatural’s back on again, my weekly salvation. I’ve also decided that I’m gna pimp out my wall. I read calvin and hobbes nightly, and the pages of the book are detached, so I’ll scan the ones that I find relevant to my life and blutack it on the wall. And maybe bao and the rest can paint on it someday after IB. This song, I feel, summatively represents the general state of my life, without revealing too many details.

我 我的心裡
住了一群 吵闹的风笛
我 想要旅行
没有目的地 单纯逃离

关于 人们窃窃私语
笑容的真实
我 并不想在意
关于 生活的选择题
答桉在风裡
我 想起了 一首歌 的道理

我 怎么定义
不想做决定 也没关係

关于 爱不爱的问题 谎言的善意
我 只想清乾淨
关于 生命的是非题 答桉在雨裡
我 只看见 澹灰色 的风景

受过伤的记忆
一直都还没有痊癒
需要被隔离 需要更多的空气
我让自己相信
终于在长期折磨裡
得到免疫

Vbec

Stand up for?

So I mugged with gu wei in school today, and in the evening we continued mugging at vivocity’s rooftop. It’s refreshing to be in the company of someone as guileless and humble as he is (considering his musical ingenuity). With him, there’s no trace of self-interest, no awkwardness in silence, no need for strained jokes, just for the sake of it. You just let your guard down completely. We talked about how he would compose for my films in the future, when we’re both out of jobs. lol. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.. Just cuz he’s never disparaging, and he’s receptive to anything u’ve got to say. Too often, we let such people fade into the background (and they’re okay with it). We want rats who are in the race, the rich, famous, and beautiful, and the criteria never ends.

I’ll leave it as that,
Vbec.

“I am awake”

Idealism is predicated on the words “I wish”. When you find yourself thinking these two words, suffering will follow almost naturally. One can materialise his longing by capitalising on the advantage of time, and tenacity of character, but the concrete form of one’s dream can never match up with the mentally constructed notion of perfection. It will only generate more desire, and hence, more suffering. But rather, let your impetus for self-improvement by reborn of the quest for self-actualization, not for others to behold, but rather, for deeper and greater understanding of the world on your part, in time to come.

vbec