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The aegis of time under which I’ve been hiding; Is getting thinner by the second. I have never felt this nonchalant.. and injudicious before. Never in my life. I fear this is my undoing, but I’m ready to pay the price. The workload is so immense, I’ve locked myself in inaction. The snoowball effect has reached it’s peak. Now I know only one thing drives me, and only one thing holds me back. That is my fear of failure. Before I even begin I have condemned myself to fail. With me, It is, and always has been all or nothing. I want to go work in 7/11. Take a gap year. And look at society from the bottom. Why am i dreaming? Back to studying.
impending doom.
Vbec
Be a man, Do the right thing. Tho the gap year still sounds nice. Econs.. GG to the max..
145 new cases. MOH wants us to treat H1N1 like the seasonal flu.. Maybe it is like the seasonal flu.
Let’s see what happens this week.
“INFPs seek unity in their lives, unity of body and mind, emotions and intellect. They often have a subtle tragic motif running through their lives, but others seldom detect this inner minor key. The deep commitment of INFPs to the positive and the good causes them to be alert to the negative and the evil, which can take the form of a fascination with the profane. Thus INFPs may live a paradox, drawn toward purity and unity but looking over the shoulder toward the sullied and desecrated. When INFPs believe that they have yielded to an impure temptation, they may be given to acts of self-sacrifice in atonement. The atonement, however, is within the INFP, who does not feel compelled to make public the issue.”
I think i’m not purely infp anymore. As in, I used to be extreme infp, but it has watered down with time. More pragmatic values have been instilled within me. I’ve learnt from my friends about proper social skills, and coping strategies and whatnot. I used to feel intensely isolated from everyone, like INTENSELY. But now I’ve been desensitised. It’s no longer black and white. It’s sometimes grey, and.. colorful. I think the whole point of this meyer-brigg typology thing is that once u discovered your traits, you have to bring what is excess, into moderation – which kinda makes life insipid. I do miss being that extreme, awkward person that was so painfully aware. I’ve normalised myself. But fundamentally, a leopard never changes its spots. I am still pretty disconnected from people, and I realise that I hardly establish any close relationships with my friends. It’s more touch-and-go. Yea we do have really meaningful convos. But that’s it. I’ve yet to have that one friend. Some people can make do w/o such a connection. I think I’ve given up on looking fr someone like me. Kinda saddening.. I guess coherent personas (which is the norm) appeal to people more, and that’s the front I try to put on. Maybe because people have this need for order? I dno.
Personally, I ADMIRE people who are steadfast, but I IDENTIFY with ppl who change it up, who are never fixed. Like my love, christina aguilera. She fascinates me on so many levels. I often find it embarrassing to admit this. Cuz, u noe, its just not a guy thing to like her given her garish bubblegum pop background… But I say, what’s wrong wit that?.. Though she may not be the brightest or the most poetic, she’s constantly asserts her identity and choices she make, no matter how flawed they are. She’s able to rise above people’s opinions and her troubled childhood. She’s a walking paradox as well. She sings about taboo topics and religious themes within the same album. The social mask many put on today is one of consistency. Any side step from this expectation is returned with disapproval. But behind this dissimulation, everyone has a sexual and religious side, and many other sides..
I think I identify with her because her stripped album came out during a period of time in my life when there was a lot of inner turmoil. And the first time I heard her voice I had shivers and goosebumps. I think i’m obsessed with her. I listen to a wide array of music, but with her, its just another level of devotion. I also recently found out that Bill Watterson’s Calvin is an INFP. No wonder I love the comic. This was the first song I heard from christina.
And u gta watch this. She’s dressed as a nun:
Vbec
P.S. I know I write a hell lot about myself. Maybe Im egocentric. But I’ve always had this drive for self-discovery.
Taken from:http://www.alpheratz.f2s.com/keatsian-ideas.htm
Negative Capability:
‘At once it struck me, what quality went to form a Man of Achievement, especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously- I mean Negative Capability, that is when man is capable of being in uncertainties. Mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching after fact and reason.’ – Keats
‘being capable of eliminating one’s own personality, in order imaginatively to enter into that of another person, or, in extreme cases, an animal or an object.’
The phrase was coined by Keats in the very letter to his brothers, as quoted above.
The whole concept is a bit hazy, probably because his own identity is precarious, and he was continually being invaded by the identities of others. The person of fixed opinions, such as Wordsworth, enjoys/suffers from the ‘egotistic sublime’
In his letter to Bailey, Nov 1817, Keats affirmed that ‘Men of Genius’ do not have ‘any individuality’ or ‘determined character’
Another letter to Woodhouse Oct 1818 defines ‘the poetic Character’ as taking ‘as much delight in conceiving an Iago as an Imogen’ adding: ‘What shocks the virtuous philosopher delights the chameleon poet’
In another letter, Keats says that the ‘poetical character… has no self- it is everything and nothing- it has no character and enjoys light and shade; it lives in gusto, be it foul or fair, high or low, rich or poor, mean or elevated- it has as much delight in conceiving an Iago as an Imogen. What shocks the virtuous philosopher delights the camelion Poet… A Poet is the most unpoetical of anything in existence, because he has no identity, he is continually filling some other body‘ <— Edit: sry to disrupt the your flow of thought. But this sounds wrong.
Wow. What if you are uncertain about your uncertainties? To be able to hold two ideas that are antithetical without an impeaching sense of irritation requires a veritable mastery over one's need for certainty. Certainty is an illusion. Reality is always in flux. Obviously Hegel didn't have 'negative capability', as seen from his whole thesis, antithesis, synthesis worldview. Maybe.. the acceptance that two opposing ideologies can simultaneouly exist IS the synthesis. Hmm.
F Scott Fitzgerald: "The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function." Maybe the bulk of my frustration stems from my need for an absolute truth regarding all situations. To every situation, I used to believe, there has to be a right decision, opinion, or direction to take. But maybe there isn't any and all are equally valid.
The problem with ppl like keats is that, sure, they are a rarity, but they possess no apparent value or social significance in today's pragmatic, utilitarian, and over-bureaucratized society. They perceive and perceive and can’t do anything relevant enough to increase society's awareness. The strength of poems as mediums of change has been subjected to the attrition of the empirical domination of the present times. Kinda reminds me of Siddartha's Samana phase like how he transfuses his soul into objects and animals. Hesse has 'negative capability'. I think that's why I gravitated towards Siddartha's character. He was unassuming.
I tend to approach all lit texts with this voracious hunger to scour every detail innit so as to unconver the teleological intention of the author. I guess that’s why I have a preference for Wordsworth’s poems, as opposed to Keats’. When I first read Keats’ poems in upper sec. I was like wtp? NOT exam-friendly. But then again, his purpose is to convey passion, and induce sensuous appeal in the reader. It elicits an aesthetic response to the text, rather than an intellectual one. Maybe one day I could be like him.
Oh.. who am I keating,
Vbec
92.4 FM “It’s just you and the music”
Nope. It’s my EE, me, and the music. In that order. But instrumental pieces really helps me to concentrate you guys shuld try it out?
Vbec
Dwayne:” You know what? Fuck beauty contests. Life is one fucking beauty contest after another. School, then college, then work… Fuck that. And fuck the Air Force Academy. If I want to fly, I’ll find a way to fly. You do what you love, and fuck the rest.”
In my opinion… a chicken’s gta be a chicken and an eagle’s gta be an eagle. No one should make one feel inferior to the other. I know ppl who dropped out of school and are even more intelligent then others still in school. Life is full of untrue stereotypes. And this movie is for the underdogs. No one can make you feel inferior, unless you let them.
I realise also that I’ve begun to fear literature and not love it. I have so much self-doubt over something I once thought I knew I could do.
Vbec
You gotta love a girl who farts and apologizes. I swear she is the funniest girl in school.
Sometimes people use the word love and hate in such a hackneyed manner. It undermines the true meaning of these words.
Love is polyvalent.
vbec
Hello. You know how people lose faith from rationalizing about religion. Maybe God is just out of our box of thinking. Maybe we can never logically ingest God. Maybe connection with God is only established when we let go of pride and humble ourselves? After all, it was knowledge that separated us from Him initially when adam and eve ate from that tree.
Many people claim that religion just opiates society. To them, religion pacifies and fulfills the people’s need for a definitive worldview to account for the Great Unknown. Possible. Then again, to claim that religion is nothing but a cheap all-in-one solution for ignorance is a blatant reductive fallacy. There has to be SOME value to religion if it didn’t die from the countless revolutions the human race has undergone in the past millenniums. Scientists who climbed the rungs of natural sciences to its (ever-expanding) peak have admitted to observing too ubiquitous an order in the world to be attributed to random chance. The more you know, the more you don’t know. pseudo intelligent thinking stuff ends here. CHEER!
“While one person hesitates because he feels inferior, another is busy making mistakes and becoming superior.”
I’ve learnt in the past few days that self-belief is important. To learn to say “it’s ok” instead of bashing yourself, goes a long way in helping you achieve more. Learnt from Jun and Edward to lessen stress and approach problems rationally, and take every situation with a can-do attitude. I’ve been jogging and exercising a bit, and it helps to keep fatigue at bay. Also when you’re sick of studying go to youtube and search study tips. Or if you’re in need of inspiration search commencement speeches. Ellen’s was hilarious. She ended her speech with Lady GaGa’s song, just dance. Invariably, each speaker urged the various graduating batches to “forget about the fastlane. If you really wana fly. Just Harness your power to your passion.” -Oprah. Which reminds me of monsters v.s. alien (3D coolios) when the president exclaimed, “what would oprah do?”, a twist on the famous saying, what would Jesus do. Tsk tsk. Really. I mean, doing something you like is often effortless, although it might be a long haul compared to the conventional road. THE ROAD NOT TAKEN, OMG IOC.
Study session at ben’s place – FAIL haha buuuttt, I needed the long hours of staring helplessly at my crap of an EE.
Study session at SMU – SUCCESS and more to come.
Still NOT productive enough. But good job. *pat myself on the back.
Vbec
Thnx Daryl for the birthday treat to the play. “And I am the ignorant bitch hiding in the dark!” LOL. The gem of the day however was catching up wit u.
The aftereffect of watching any play is a period of sustained pensiveness. Cue. “not again..”
Once a person undergoes a shift in paradigm, it is quite permanent. Moreover, these shifts, rarely occur as cerebral orgasms. For some people, maybe it does. But for me it’s not the case. I tend to linger like an obdurate spirit, until I FEEL certainty to move on. (mental hyperlink: Doubt, the movie). Certainty exists as an emotional state which accounts for the thoughts which the conscious mind has not grasped. This is more commonly known as “a nagging feeling”. It is the jarring incongruity; the whitenoise; the cacophonous disorder in the emotions that an individual feels which surfaces his/her otherwise subterranean dilemmas. I feel before I know the flaws in my thoughts/worldview.
Never a victim of circumstance, only my decisions.
I figured out how crushes work (at least for me). I deify my crush by mentally constructing an aggrandized impression of that person. It’s kind of like elevating your crush to a god-like status. Likewise, our idolizing of celebrities function by the exact same mechanism – everyone has a visceral need for a god-figure. Therefore, the remedy for any destabilizing crush would be the realization that nobody is ever as perfect as what you make them out to be.. then one would be able to recognize the distended image he/she has created of the crush.
Also, and of course like what chocchick said, IB diploma takes precedence. Yet I urge all to reflect more on your lives. These are crucial years leading to adulthood.
On another note, I’d like to apologize for my accusations against my dad. It was uncalled for, no matter the intensity of my emotions. Esp. on a public domain like this. There are boundaries for everything, and I have transgressed many of them in that post. What started out as a need to be honest wit myself became a really ugly display of my attitude. It’s not class to contradict yourself, but I never shy away from admitting that i’m wrong. I still value honesty as crucial in reconciling the demon and angel in you. I suppose that’s why diaries are meant to be written on paper. One thing I really lack is gratitude. I’ve always wondered why this virtue is so out-of-reach for me. I’m so unaffected by it. Ok, not all the time.
Yep. That’s abt it. I should stop being a thinker and be a walker instead (referencing siddartha). As I was trudging home from the bus-stop, I looked up at the cobalt sky and chuckled. All these convoluting thoughts are birthed forth from electrical signals and neurons. Truly, the whole is greater than the sum of the parts (aristotle). Then again. If we consider society, and how messed up it is as a whole.. ok shuddup.
vbec
^ Weird show..
I need to find myself another ALIAS. all that wig and accents and places ard the world. And jennifer garrner. damnn funnay.
“let loose of what you cannot control, serenity will come to you”. thanks tvmobile!
Like what ferd quek said abt anger being a poisoning of the self; Desire is poison as well. And according to shakespeare, it runs after you. I agree. It does.
“And my desires, like fell and cruel hounds, E’er since pursue me.”
^ the notes mention that shakespeare was alluding to the myth of Actaeon and Diana. Actaeon saw Diana naked, Diana transmogrified him into a stag. His dogs ate him up. = “Olivia is being cruel to [Orsino], and thereby making his desires for her destroy him.
To mentally shield yourself from it, would be inhuman. Being overpowered by your desires will jeopardize your capacity to function. I opted for the middle road. Admitting you have it. But learning to bridle it; in case it compels you into making impetuous decisions – the feeling of the moment drives many to stupidity.
“Now, I’ve been licking my wound. But the venom seeps deeper, deeper, deeper”
Which reminds me of EE. The Dying Animal.. Yeats’s “Sailing to
Byzantium”: “Consume my heart away; sick with desire/And fastened to a dying animal/
It knows not what it is.”
The CA song above words it well enough. “The pain of this slow burn”. Have you not desired for someone before? That ember in your chest, the weight of your head, your immobile arms. For that moment. Seemingly interminable.
“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, But desire fulfilled is a tree of life.” (Proverbs 13:12)
Less talk and more action.
Sense of urgency.
My system’s preferred fuel is melancholy.
This is the moment in your life where you need to step it up.
Why are japanese films so drenched with anomie and alienation?
When I start. There shall be no stopping.
love, play on,
Vbec
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