Cruz

“cool, calm, collected, is the child that lies within.”

http://thebeattitude.com/2009/05/28/losing-my-religion-why-i-walked-away-from-christianity/

I stumbled upon this blog post which sparked an interesting (endless) chain of comments. I added a meagre portion of my thought. But my interest was piqued by what the commentators had to say. Read this:

“The idea of God was not a lie but a device of the unconscious which needed to be decoded by psychology. A personal god was nothing more than an exalted father-figure: desire for such a deity sprang from infantile yearnings for a powerful, protective father, for justice and fairness and for life to go on forever. God is simply a projection of these desires, feared and worshipped by human beings out of an abiding sense of helplessness. Religion belonged to the infancy of the human race; it had been a necessary stage in the transition from childhood to maturity. It had promoted ethical values which were essential to society. Now that humanity had come of age, however, it should be left behind.”
-Sigmund Freud

Think: Hedda Gabler..haha
But at the end of the day, my heart always points me to this bible verse:

1 Corinthians 1:19-21 (New International Version)

19For it is written:
“I will destroy the wisdom of the wise;
the intelligence of the intelligent I will frustrate.”[a]

20Where is the wise man? Where is the scholar? Where is the philosopher of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? 21For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not know him, God was pleased through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe.

Aye, indeed many people approach God differently. Some as the revered father figure as suggested by Freud (TOK!: we see things as we are), some as santa claus, personal counsellor, emotional placebo. But maybe it’s because we see Him as we are and not as He is. And maybe, we can never see Him as He is.

Maybe our human capacity to understand, and to reconcile the vast, plethora, of perceived inconsistencies in the world is limited, and in response, we choose dejection, and abandonment; to save our egos from falling, we reject God. Conveniently gaining the liberty to transgress the boundaries that we were once fenced in. Perhaps he’s out of our box of thinking. Really, we can never know. The.. “look-around-there’s-so-many-screwed-up-christians” argument doesn’t hold, because no one’s perfect. Never displace your anger for sinful christians on God. One comment someone made was that looking at God in such a the way (as the author of the blog post did), is like a child trying to deconstruct complex adult issues. Reductive fallacy is thus committed. Moreover, how often do we look back and scoff/cringe/chuckle at our younger self, whose insurmountable mountains are but sand mounds today…. But I digress.

You can only make a decision abt such a matter if you were once a Christian yourself. It’s, again, a Siddhartha thing. Experiential learning versus a priori hypothesizing. The former holds more value than the latter. I’ve always been daunting to some of my friends. I think. HAHA. When I was an all-out Christian, my friends think I’m fanatic. When I begin to falter, they’re afraid of my logic and questions. These aversion to questioning your own beliefs will land you permanently mired in self-help christianity; self-pacifying, upgrade me and get me through life in the cradle of Thy Arms Christianity – other than that don’t mess with me. I’ve seen all my christian friends. It’s hard to separate them from the non-christian friends apart from the periodic enclave, the singing, the strumming. They laugh at the same sick jokes, and are just as competitive, sycophantic, judgmental, selective of ppl, as the world. at least im clearer on whr I stand. Another problem I had was the songs we sang. a lot of big words and empty promises. My pastor shared about some dude who usually dint sing at services, but when he finally did one week, he later acted out the very words of the hymn he was singing. mad respect.

Anihow, I decided to start anther blog to do more personal writings. The whole “death of the author” (Roland Barthe) thing is very intimidating. Considering how my words fall short in expressing my true intents. (and can thus be grossly misshapen by readers). I really want to get done with IB. So I can do serious thinking in uni. thinking abt stuff I care abt.

Today, I went to vivo for PVC. A sad case of overcommitment hahaha, and disappearing team members. but Edward was so funny. Shopping king for real. sniffing out offers everywhere. While I, the guy with the airy-fairy-often-fluffy thoughts, tried really hard to empathize with his fervor for marks spencer cereals on offer. Srsly, why did I take econs. Not that I’m entirely hopeless in it la. but. HAPPENSTANCE!

Vbec

-.-zzZ

Them that’s got, shall get. Them that’s not, shall lose. So the Bible said. And It still is news.

IBid.

I hate IB to the core. Hmm. I wonder what’s at the core. The logo looks like a smirking yin-yang sign.

Holler beneath the calm.

Something off some daily devotions thing I subscribed to:

Fostering the Right Environment
TGIF Today God Is First Volume 2, by Os Hillman
05-24-2009
“Be sure you know the condition of your flocks, give careful attention to your herd” (Prov 27:23).

Janice was a high level executive who required excellence and exceptional performance from those under her leadership. She was the general manager of a credit card unit when five of her 2,000 employees were found to have deliberately hidden $24 million in losses that she was accountable for. Her “no failure” policy brought great pressure upon her employees and she failed to recognize how this leadership style affected others. It discouraged employees from bringing problems to her. She was an intense perfectionist whom others saw as intimidating and confrontational. She was extremely opinionated. Her subordinates were fearful of reporting any bad news so they lied about it.

Do you feel like what you accomplish is never quite good enough? Do projects have to be just right? Do you feel you must give more than 100 percent on everything you do or else you will be mediocre or even a failure?

Perfectionism refers to a set of self-defeating thoughts and behaviors aimed at reaching excessively high unrealistic goals. Perfectionism is often mistakenly seen in our society as desirable or even necessary for success. However, studies show that perfectionist attitudes actually interfere with success. The desire to be perfect can both rob you of a sense of personal satisfaction and cause you and others to fail to achieve as much as people who have more realistic strivings. Janice lost her job over this situation but was later offered another chance to salvage one of the company’s smaller businesses. She realized that she needed to be much more understanding of people around her. She learned from her experience and succeeded in her next assignment with the company. The solution to becoming a transparent person is to get feedback from those around us. This is the only way we will avoid perfectionism. We must ask for the feedback and be willing to respond to input.

What would others say about your management style? Do you foster dialogue and encourage others to bring issues to your attention? Are you willing to work with your team to solve problems together?

__________________________________________________________________________________________

I feel like I’ve so much residual problems and issues that I’ve yet to address. Like a car speeding ahead, even though the windshield is cracked, fluid leaks abound everywhere, and the grip on the tyre is worn out. The anesthetic effects of IB.. How steep am I into disbelief? Am I downplaying it with my excuse of work, or are my family members blowing things out of proportion. Does this warrant for my dad to cry? I’m sure I haven’t been the epitome of filial piety. I understand, and consider that in my evaluation of the situation. My family has this streak of victimizing ourselves, which is apparent from my pity party blog posts. I made an observation while we were driving to dinner. I said, “why do we each live like the world revolves around ourselves.” to which my mom responds, “you also what.” Kinda pathetic, and farcical that we live our lives like tragedies huh? But it’s just us.. there are pros and cons, like how we tend to be more introspective. And we hardly talk about things. Any emotive conversation is sustained electronically thru smses and emails. I’m gna speak the unspeakable: I think my dad is coping with his midlife crisis with church activities. Not that it’s wrong to find meaning in Christianity. But from this perspective, Christianity looks kinda like a cheap self-help thing. Anyway.. the calm has to be kept and the show must go on. 2 bio pracs, cas, tok essay, EE. All wrapped into one @#$@$%@#^@$. IB’s profile of a thinker is highly dehumanizing don’t you ‘think’? We ain’t no jimmy neutrons. I’m not sad, I’m nonchalant. This self-soothing technique is the greatest asset IB has conferred me. Two years back. I would be in an epileptic fit now, foaming at the mouth and all……. Press on!!

Vbec

Update: I just had a short talk with my mom. I can tell that she’s trying to show concern. Trying very hard. I am kinda ashamed. I think I’ve alienated myself from my family by standing on some academic pedestal. It’s funny how, now that I’ve talked to her, all the stuff I wrote above feels nonsensical. My dad is still staring at the computer in a trance. I dno what he’s thinking, hopefully, they are non-emo thoughts.

Cheap, self-help blog.

Seeing God’s Power in the Clothing Industry
TGIF Today God Is First Volume 2, by Os Hillman
05-20-2009

“My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power, so that your faith might not rest on men’s wisdom, but on God’s power” (1 Cor 2:3-5).

I learned a principle years ago of withholding our natural gifting to insure that God is in whatever we are doing.

Crystal is a businesswoman involved in the manufacture of designer clothing. Her designs are known for their elaborate detail and accessories sewn into the clothing. She had a contract with a major retail chain that agreed to carry here clothing. A call came from the retailer requesting that four designs be sent to them for consideration for the next season’s clothing line. She had known that meeting this particular deadline was going to be very difficult due to other circumstances that were going on in her life.

Finally the deadline came and she had not completed the two of the pieces of clothing she wanted them to consider. The elaborate detail and finish work she was known for had not been completed on two of the four pieces they were asking for. She called the retailer and said she had two pieces ready to ship but the other two still needed to be completed. The retailer argued with her and said, “Send the others to us anyway.”

Crystal is a perfectionist and the idea of sending her designs to the retailer without the finished detail, creativity, and quality made her very uncomfortable. Then, she recalled my teaching on this principle. She decided to do something in total opposition to her natural inclinations. She sent the two pieces of clothing to the retailer along with the other two “finished” pieces. To her shock and amazement the retailer chose the two pieces of clothing that had not been “finished” and declined the other two.

Crystal realized that God was demonstrating His power through this principle of withholding her natural gifting to show her that it was by His hand that she was being successful in her business. This did not take away her need to be creative or skillful, but there was now a new understanding to move in a dimension that placed greater dependence upon obedience rather than just her natural skill.

Basically sums up everything,
Vbec

“I am shiva the destroyer, your harbinger of doom this evening.”

Well, today has been a rather sucky day. But I am happy. SO MUCH TO DO.
TOK drama, NAPFA mishaps, EE woes, BIO PRAC labor. hm. Shit does happen. Sometimes it happens in truckloads. But what matters is how you respond to it. And… self-pity, only aggravates things. So.. trallalalala. Madam, finally understood my tok essay. Im mighty glad. Ferd disappeared. sigh. ENG CLASS. LET’S BUCK UP. Handed up crappy EE. Man.. there are ppl in the cohort who actually CAN write. Cabbed home wit Guang. As cliched and trite this might sound..

GUYS, the last person you should give up on.. is yourself.

I kept saying it was impossible to astro. Then while getting cheeseballs, I noticed the pasta stall lady had hung a inspirational message thing which went something like, when you say it’s impossible, God says, with Him everything is possible. Followed by a whole list of similar messages.

Vbec.

Brain fart. (TOK #9)

Just a thought. Is an individual discovered or invented?

Bleh. Wrong phrasing. Do you discover, or invent yourself?

Cataloguing.

Doubt is a pulitzer-prize winning play by John patrick shanely. If I could go bak to year 5, I would do my EE on this. I love realist drama. It’s like everything means something, the window, the lightbulb, ballpoint pen. Watch the last vid for a commentary by the genius himself. Meryl’s performance is chillingly good… No regrets though. The Dying Animal, while hard to swallow, is nonetheless a brilliant book to work on. I’ll save this one for uni or smthing. haha.

An excerpt (after the confrontation):

Father Flynn:
Wait. I can’t say everything, you understand? There’s things I can’t say.. Even if you can’t imagine the explanation, sister. Remember there are
things beyond your knowledge. Even if you feel certainty, it is an emotion, not a fact.

Sister Aloysius:
…You will request a transfer and take a leave of absence until it is granted

Father Flynn:
You’d leave me nothing?

Sister Aloysius:
It’s Donald Miller who has nothing.. and you took full advantage of that

Father Flynn:
I’ve done nothing wrong.. I care about that boy.

Sister Aloysius:
Why? ‘Cause you smile at him? And you sympathize with him? And you talk to him as if you were the same? You are a cheat. And that warm feeling you experienced when that boy looked at you with trust was not the sensation of virtue. That could be got by any drunkard with a tot of rum!

Father Flynn:
I can fight you.

Sister Aloysius:
You will lose.

Father Flynn:
Where’s your compassion?

Sister Aloysius:
Nowhere you can get at it…. Stay here. Compose yourself. You can use the phone if you’d like. Good day father. (exits)

Vbec

Go. Going. Gone.

Phanta Rei: everything is in a state of flux.
As I age, I’ve come to realise one thing about myself.. : i was never, in a single moment, myself.
Under a confessional mood, I used to tell people that I admire them for their steadfast character.
For me, the term ‘myself’ is void. And often, in a shroud of darkness, I’d question who I really am. Which of me. is me.
Coupled with a splitting headache, the fear of insanity surfaces. And I would wrap my arms around my head and scrunch my face.

I can be zealously righteous, and remorselessly hedonistic. I can love someone ardently, and hate another murderously. I’ve been on every point of every continuum. Apollonian-Dionysian, Reason-Emotion. Religious-non-religious. Yet I’m far from mercurial, I’ve learnt to bridle myself. Because I’ve met people of such a broad spectrum, I’ve perceived so much. All I can ascertain of myself is that I can read people. My social algorithm is complex, and can sometimes be self-defeating. Believe me, I’m always watching, listening, and always postulating. In every situation, every subliminal actions, dynamics, intentions. And in a tacit manner, I have profiled you, in a non-conclusive and provisional way. And I find the best me to suit the context -goofy, serious, childish, mature, detached, heck-care, feigned ignorance etc. I particularly dislike people who think they know someone as they are. People change, all the time. And they are far more complex than you think. And empathy is crucial as well. It’s just a very Siddartha thing.

And if hegel is right, the contention of many antitheses leading to the synthesis of a truth. I might be reaching a resting place, after an interminable journey through this excruciating awareness. I’m done questioning the mundaneness, absurdity of life. That was a past me. The philosopher within me, the romantic, the coward, the fearless, the id, ego, superego, the atheist, hedonist, the religious fanatic, the people-pleaser, the iconoclast, the conformist, the subversive me. They are all me, and slowly, as I become an adult, I am tending towards an equilibrium. Achieving individuation. At least, by mid-life, I won’t be in a crisis. heh.

Im so human, yea, yea
It’s ok, yea, yea
For me to, feel this way, yea, yea.

I’m not a fixed datum
Vbec

Weatherman

AHHHHHHHHHH. I love the weather todae!

Reporting from eetokia,
Vbec