Thomas

Student’s Prayer, by St. Thomas Aquinas

Creator of all things, true source of light and wisdom,
origin of all being,
graciously let a ray of your light penetrate
the darkness of my understanding.

Take from me the double darkness
in which I have been born,
an obscurity of sin and ignorance.

Give me a keen understanding,
a retentive memory, and
the ability to grasp things correctly and fundamentally.

Grant me the talent of being exact
in my explanations and the ability to express myself
with thoroughness and charm.

Point out the beginning,
direct the progress,
and help in the completion.

I ask this through Christ our Lord.

Amen.

Just got back from Church, I found this prayer quite useful.

Vbec.

Hey There, Mirror.

But it’s harder to hold on to your hands than the hands of time
I need a hand, girl, trying to hold on
Losing strength in these hands of mine
I need you here
I’m trying to hold on

Perfectionism refers to self-defeating thoughts and behaviours associated with high and unrealistic goals. Perfectionism is often mistakenly seen as desirable or even necessary for success. However, recent studies have shown that perfectionist attitudes actually interfere with success. The desire to be perfect can deny you a sense of satisfaction and cause you to achieve far less than people with more realistic goals.

Fear of failure. Perfectionists often equate failure to achieve their goals with a lack of personal worth or value.

Fear of disapproval. If they let others see their flaws, perfectionists often fear that they will no longer be accepted. Trying to be perfect is a way of trying to protect themselves from criticism, rejection, and disapproval.

All-or-nothing thinking. Perfectionists frequently believe that they are worthless if their accomplishments are not perfect.

Over-emphasis on ‘should’, ‘must’ and ‘ought’. Perfectionists often live with an endless list of rigid rules for what they must accomplish. With the emphasis on how everything has to be done, perfectionists rarely listen to what they really feel like doing.

Never good enough. Perfectionists tend to see others as achieving success with a minimum of effort, few errors, little emotional stress, and maximum self-confidence. At the same time, perfectionists view their own efforts as unending and forever inadequate.

SOURCE: http://www.dundee.ac.uk/counselling/leaflets/perfect.htm

I’ve been reading many websites abt perfectionism, and how it stifles an individual. I could identify with almost every trait that these websites have listed. Funny thing is I began feeling like such a failure for being bogged down by perfectionism. Stupid rite? It’s ok.. I’ll find my way around it.

Vbec

Charles Darwin

I figured the only reason I am so plagued with inadequacy is due to my need for perfection. In some ways and not in others. Particularly in the areas where I’m exceptionally endowed in. When these things fail to bring me credit, it sure does feel sucky. And what is it with all this need for assurance, and acknowledgment? Because what isn’t acknowledged, and noticed… doesn’t exists. Hence the thought of having this potential buried ten feet under unnecessary vices becomes the biggest sucker-punch my existence can confer me. So close, yet so.. inadequate. And as I look around, at my family, and everyone to whom I have blood relation, these vices they do embody. So is this evolutionary parade governed by factors of heredity, and of.. environment, and do they equate to my fate? Yet it is degenerate to blame your surroundings. But there is an abundance of truth in it. And this has become increasingly pellucid, as I peruse Hedda and Julie. Social Darwinism. Am I overly malleable in my thoughts? But so much truth, beleaguers me. I can assimilate, I can laugh, banter, socialize, connect with the greatest variegation of individuals. But no one can ever get close enough to know me. I find such comfort in the presence of the simple. Not in the inane sense, but in the way that they are enlightened? Or are they just advantaged from birth? To have a sanguine disposition. I know they aren’t one-dimensional. For assuming that they are is prideful. Yet, they bounce back up. They make the right decisions, they ascend. And they bear no malice, like the power-hungry young adults that some have grown to become. Waiting to stamp society with they 70-years worth of life. pfft. But i will smile at them nonetheless, they are respectable in their own ways… The conclusion? One can never detach himself from this rat race.

“It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change.”
Charles Darwin

My fear is that I’m not changing fast enough. I’m taking too long on every single assignment. And my laziness, is my escapism. A route I take too often.

Dear P,

I am letting go, because, I don’t want to. Becayse I know, with all my heart.. that, what I don’t wna do.. Is the right thing to do. I wish to stop this one-man pantomime. And if you were far away from this forest, does the tree fall? If you can’t hear it falling? And would it matter if it were falling for you? No. So let me laugh this away. hahaha.

Vbec

“I am the prophet Chuck!”

supernaturalz.
Vbec

Alt, F4. Do it. Now.

“Solitude gives birth to the original in us, to beauty unfamiliar and perilous – to poetry. But it also gives birth to the opposite: to the perverse, the illicit, the absurd.” Thomas Mann

I must be innately retarded.

#1:
*Drops cap on the floor
“uh-oh!…”
*Arms wide open, swoops down
“Vrooom…”
*Retrieves the cap. stands up. stunned.

#2:
*Waiting for the spin phase of the washing machine.
*waits
*waits..
*leans back on kitchen counter. Dazed.
*Washing machine roars to life
“Yeay!” *jerks to life, peers forward. stares at the contraption for 5 min. Goes off to do EE.

#3:
…. While running up the stairs..
*Pretends there’s a sword at the side of my waist.
*Starts running up the stairs.
* Unsheathe the sword
*Does fancy footwork.
*Reaches the second floor
*Slashes my unfortunate sister.

EE….
Vbec

Tok no more. Type some more.

Sometimes gratitude savored in an unspoken fashion, is more genuine than one that is heralded.

u know who u are.. Thanks (:

On another note.. these few days, it has come to my notice that the first word that proceeds from my mouth as I jerk to life, is an expletive. Often directed at my innocuous and innocent alarm clock. Thattt… has to go. Maybe I should duct-tape my mouth.. Hahah I realize that this statement is very Joshua. (Who did splendidly well for his TOK presentation today, IMHO).

Marc, was eloquent as hell. Haha, who knew that beneath the dissemblence of a foul-mouthed (literally) slacker would be a double-helix full of superior lawyer genes. (:

Celestyn presented her case effortlessly as well. You know.. it just flows for these guys.

As an INFP. I can’t think on the spot. Everything has to be premeditated. INFPs are indecisive and will often be overwhelmed by the vast number of ways an idea can be put across in terms of syntax and choice of words. So I painstakingly craft each line, each sentence. But it still comes across as awkward and contrived.

While I highly doubt my expressive abilities, My analytical skills are still sharp when it comes to literature. I just finished annotating Extract 8 of king lear almost eentirely out of my own brain with only one reference to a webbie on the theme of nature in the Elizabethan society. Now this… FLOWS for me.

TOK NO MORE,
Vbec

Snowball.

REW starts today, I spoke to various teachers about my TOK essay, and consulted a few of my friends on my TOK presentation. Sigh. Should I go to school tmr?
It always feels really wrong when I don’t go.
Amos was right. All these will manifest in a snowball effect. I have to whack all my work. NOW.
Problem is, I’ve never been one that bends to positivism. But rather negativism.
What’s imperfect in my life, I abandon, what’s perfect, I become paranoid over it. This is not across the board of course. When it comes to work though. I can’t do things straight off. I keep second guessing myself, and a fear of failure clouds any trace of clarity within my thoughts.
I was entertaining thoughts about gg back to yr 5 to start over again. But, nooo. There won’t be another 5.12, 6.12. And all that late nights all over again. I always give up near the end of things. Some things in life are meant to change you.

English was interesting today. Clarity, clarity, clarity.

I wonder why I’m good at solving other ppl’s problems, but become entangled in my own. I cannot fully deconstruct myself. I think I have overly developed psychological defense mechanisms that just kills me.

Instead of trying to make excuses for my glacial pace of work, I’ll go to the doctor. Come back. Rush tok, and math.

AMEN,
Vbec.

Heineken Hodge-Potch

Yesterdae was the ‘perfect’ day.

I woke up to sms the bus uncle that I wasn’t going to school. In fact I have been doing that for the past two days, and with my mini-inheritance ( while me parents are away ), I called a cab. The route I take includes driving thru the KPE, and eventually the Singapore Flyer. This is the part of the journey where i take pause and admire. (:

I decided to bring my Bible with me, and began reading Ecclesiastes in the taxi. A few verses spoke to me as my eyes dart arbitrarily ard, and i became very zen. Over the past year, I’ve been very hesitant about speaking to God, or emotionally investing myself with Him due to various disappointments. Posteriorrrr… (aka: Butttt…) God does exist, no matter how irrelevant I made him out to be in my life. And his existence entails things.

School went past quickly, Econs, Bio (coolios, we learnt abt the nervous system, and everyone was so eggcited), Econs again… school ends (: And i started wandering around school again, was in the Library studying wit pam, bao, chris, and vikky. And pam decided to amuse us with a libidinous podcast she has. Apparently two jokers hosting the show, called two sex hotlines and made the two ladies talk to each other. You can imagine the rest. lmao.

I was supposed to go for Cher’s gig. Posteriorr…. (Butttt….) I transgressed my deontological duty to support her. Another prima facie duty popped up, which was… my estranged (exaggeration) cousin asking me out for a movie. An internal battle of conscience ensued. Till now I still think I should have gone to Cher’s thing. So I’m taking this opportunity to say: “SORRY-CHER-……-IF-YOU-READ-THIS-BLOG-…-IM-SURE-YOU-KICKED-ASS-THAT-NIGHT-!!!!!-NOT-GOING-PROBABLY-MADE-MY-DAY-LESS-THAN-PERFECT.” And sorry to Edward for abandoning you. PVC how?!

I watched departures with cousin-steph, and it was good. Really boring at first, but it gets to you. Cuz ppl usually go to movies to escape from the banality of life. Departures is really realistic in its portrayal of the plot, yet it becomes profoundly moving. It drew emotions with moments where silence was the only thing you hear. Funnily, two girls were eating potato chips and making lots of crackling noises. I was abt to think bad thoughts until I rmbed the IMDB page for Departures which featured a user review by a Singaporean — it was 30% complaining about the ppl in the cinema theatre. I decided to resist the stereotypical whiner image of a Singaporean and be an iconoclast. I guess what Bao said about blogging and written commentary makes sense. I’ve been trying to rid myself of “language comestics” in Mrs Mervlyn Goh’s words.

We then went to pageone, where I found another version of my EE book with an incredible review on the back of the book ( i typed it out on my hp). After which we ate at sakae and took nel back to kovan whr she rented some dvds and bought heineken for me. Not that I couldn’t get it myself, but ppl would stare, cuz i was in my uniform. I held it for awhile in my hand, and I got the look from every possible angle. I dun really care, but the school does right? When I got back, I thought.. “hmmm today is well-lived.” Drank the beer, and slept. (:

TODAY! I went for bio remmedial, first right decision of the weekend! We had an information overload and wow, I’m beginning to like Bio. There are opportunity costs in making the right decisions, but we shouldn’t be myopic. We should view them as investments that buy us ‘future joy’. Of course, to be unfaltering would be Jesus, and hence render you inhuman. So, I thought I should share a verse wit u~ (croaks chris brown), and perhaps a webbie that Bao recommended that I find entertaining.. or does everyone knows abt it alr? (Bao hope you’re not overly traumatized by the woman at the bus stop)

“10 Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the grave, [a] where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom.

11 I have seen something else under the sun:
The race is not to the swift
or the battle to the strong,
nor does food come to the wise
or wealth to the brilliant
or favor to the learned;
but time and chance happen to them all.” (Eccl 9:10-13)

and.. the webbie: www.fmylife.com

I understand the irony of juxtaposing a verse with that website. You see, I’m trying to demonstrate the Oneness of Samsara and Nirvana. I hope readers will forgive me for this conspicuous act of hypocrisy, live their own lives, and be like Siddhartha.

TOK PRESENTATION… MUACKS
Vbec